Fear

[Author's note: this was originally written during the night/morning of October 5th-6th, 2004.]

"I never really wanted you to see the screwed up side of me that I keep locked inside of me so deep- it always seems to get to me... I never really wanted you to go, so many things you should have known. I guess for me there’s just no hope... I never meant to be so cold"

I think these lyrics by 'Crossfade' can apply to all our lives, but I'm going to take the time and actually explain how they apply to mine. Not for pity's sake, not for making anyone upset or hurting anyone, but because I need to get this out, I need to write it down, I need to try and make sense of myself to myself.

At this time last year, I was very happy with myself and with my life. I was going to school, studying physics, eating healthy, exercising, I had a beautiful girl whom I loved and who loved me, didn't have any bills to pay- things were going well and I was wonderfully happy about it.

But things have changed.

Before I start, I'll give a brief overview of psychology as far as I understand it (key phrase being "as far as I understand it" - this may be wrong, I'm sure it probably is, but this is how I understand things and this is how I'm using them):

Freud believed that the human psyche is split up into 3 parts- the id, the ego, and the super-ego. The id is the primitive, carnal part of our minds that wants instant gratification and will do what it needs to get such. If you're hungry, the id wants food. If you're tired, the id wants to sleep. If you're in danger, the id wants you to run. The id is the first to develop in our minds and its how we act for portion of our infant lives. We cry to get something regardless of what time it is or what others are doing- we want what we want and we want it now.

Second to grow in our minds is the ego; this should usually be the dominant part of our minds- it's the part that realizes that actions have consequences and that some consequences are bad, ergo, we should not always do what we want. This is the part that logically recognizes others existences and needs, and realizes that what we want might not always be the most important at the time.

The final force of our minds is the super-ego; this is the moral, goodly part of our minds. This is where our conscience lives and where we place others' needs above our own.

For the most part in my life, I think I've done a good job of keeping my ego and super-ego in control of my id. I do what I think is right, I treat others as well- I like to think I have given as well if not better than I have been given. I'd say at least 99.8% of the time, I am in complete control of what I say and do at any given moment.

But 99.8% is not 100%. There are times, probably only about a handful that I can recall, when I have been unable to keep my id and myself under control. These times are usually born from anger, irritation, pain, or sadness, and the instigator, the catalyst for these events is fear. There are times when I've lost control of what I say and what I do, when the id, being afraid and angry, has taken over. I hate it about myself- I hate having to stand by and be a spectator for my own life. I hate losing to an outraged part of myself that spurts out comments and actions that are hurtful to others- to those I hold most dear.

Everyone gives in to their id at least a handful of times... it's a terrible feeling. Seeing the life you know and being unable to affect it, unable to control yourself.

In 'Xenogears', there's Fei, the hero and small town boy, Citan, his local doctor, Elly, a Solarian Officer, and Id, who, as the name suggests is drive by the desire for instant gratification which, in this case, is satiated by destruction. Fei, Citan and Elly are by all means the three heroes whom most of the game revolves around, specifically Fei and Elly. As I said, Elly is an officer of Solaris, an oppressive race who lives in a floating civilization and rule the "earth dwellers" through tyranny and lies. Elly's convoy crashes near Fei's home town, his village is destroyed, and he and Citan meet Elly- this is how every video game starts.

How this applies to what I was just talking about is such- at different points in the game, Fei and/or his companions will do everything they can to protect and save either a person or town, only to have Id appear in the battle and without any provocation, destroy almost everything. Id has an uncontrollable desire to destroy which is bred from pain, sorrow, loss, and anger at the cause of all this, seeing destruction as the only answer.

I'd like to go into more detail right here, but for the very small percentage of you who may actually wish to play 'Xenogears', I don't want to give away any secrets. I don't think what follows gives away any major plot turns other than giving away a little information on the character of 'Id', but it's nothing that's too critical.

The idea of a character named 'Id', so hell-bent on destruction and so powerful, brings to light what my own 'id' is really like. It's dormant for much of my life, peeping up now and again to get food or drink, but those times when it does come out, in those times of pain or fear, it manifests itself in a manner that is far too often destructive and hurtful to myself, and especially those around me. Just like Id in 'Xenogears' who destroys to lessen his own anguish, so do I lash out at those around me and at those whom unknowingly and unintentionally hurt me, and instead of dealing with it through my ego and working it out... I bottled it up in my id, letting it brood and boil, only to burst and tear out in uncontrolled aggression.

I've lost the woman I love because of it; because I was unable to control my actions. I had to watch- unable to control myself- as I spoke ill and harmful things towards her.

I have no one to blame but myself- my id did its job, it lessened the pain at the moment, it removed the cause of my fear and my sorrow. But the ego, the rational thought and the ability to see the future was hiding, letting the id do its job... not controlling the situation and releasing the tension from my id in a healthy manner. I cannot suppress my anger and sadness in hopes that it will disappear for it will only get worse. Sadly, when I do let it out, it is not always by choice, nor is it always through the best means.

I'm a coward.

At the same time, I wonder where my super-ego lies in its idea of right and wrong. I try to help and want to help others, but I don't think I do it through charity. Fei says it best:

"Probably deep inside, I'm not really trying to help. Somehow, I get the feeling that all I've done I did because I wanted to be needed. That if I did something for them... then maybe, I'd have a place to belong... There's a side of me that comforts itself like that. That doesn't mean I don't want to help. But, that doesn't mean I really want to help either. It might not be 'nothing', but it sure isn't the 'whole' either. I'd been drifting, led around until I met you."

I used to get irritated and upset when someone or something made Lindsey really happy... I was afraid that if she found someone or something else that made her happier than I could, that she'd leave (just to clarify, she never did anything to suggest this, this was entirely my own ungrounded fear). I was afraid that if I wasn't the thing that made her the happiest then I didn't have a reason to be in her life. I'm that way with a lot of people... I'm afraid that if I'm not important to them in some way- if they don't rely on me for something, whether it be humor or counseling or help or rides to work... that they won't need me and I won't have anywhere to belong- I won't have anywhere where people want me or where I even have a reason to exist.

I'm scared to my very soul that this is true. That I DON'T have a place to belong, that people DON'T need me in their lives... that my friends don't even really want me around... That's why I try to help people, that's why I try to make people laugh and why I love counseling my friends... because then I feel needed... I feel like I've actually done something and that they needed me... I feel like I'm not just some guy who has no place to go and has no meaning... I feel like I have a purpose then.

Heh, it's ironic. Me, who throughout high school used to convince people that what another thinks doesn't matter... and yet this is my biggest fear in life. This is what haunts me, day in and day out... The thought that I am not needed- that no one wants me around- that if I don't make someone the happiest or if I don't comfort them the most then I am not needed- I'm just an expendable aspect of their lives... worthless.

That's what I feared with Lindsey above all else. I just wanted to make her happier than anything else ever could so she would need me.

That's what I fear with my friends now.

...

This is who I am.

To all of you whom I've known for years- this is who I am. You may know this, you may have seen it deep down in my weak times, or you may have been totally clueless. I'm not much different from the person I was in high school or even last year other than I'm not as happy as I used to be- these thoughts and fears are not new to me. I just hid them, I kept them locked away inside me, but they were still there.

These are my thoughts and my fears. I've been brooding on them for a few weeks now, and this is the best I can do about writing them down. It might not make sense to any of you... then again it barely makes sense to me.

I am me.

(I don't know what I've accomplished through writing this... but part of me does feel better)

Note: I don't know if any of the stuff about 'Xenogears' fits into this and makes sense to any of you, but it really was the catalyst that made me think about this, and if you know the storyline, which I will explain to anyone not planning on playing the game, it does make sense... at least to me it does.